DAN VINCENT
Here are some excerpts from a series of letters written while Dan was working with the subjects in the "Saying Yes to Inner Freedom" series.
The first three letters are written in a Texas jail where he was transferred (from Rawlins, Wyoming) while waiting to appear in court for crimes committed in that state.
June 22, 1986
I'm in Texas now. They came and got me, and we drove all day. Got here at 9:00 p.m. I didn't get any stamps until yesterday, or I would have written sooner. I got your last long letter, but when they told me to get my stuff <for the trip> I forgot to grab it. I was able to bring my "Pot O' Gold" book. I made an Agreement with myself to do a chapter a month. I'm working on the Faith chapter.
July 17, 1986
I've been going through a lot of stuff. It has a lot to do with starting the "Pot O' Gold" course. I was forced to realize that my faith is not what I thought. I've had to question a lot of things about myself. It's even more complicated because of my change of environment which has caused me to see that my commitments were not as strong as I thought either. I guess you could say that I was strong in my faith as long as I was comfortable with my surroundings, and I wasn't worried about my future.
I've read the Faith chapter twice, and I've started on the questions. What's happened is that I have spent so much time locked up in Wyoming that it has become the only life I know. Nothing unusual really happens to upset my routine, and I always know what to expect.
However, since I've come down here everything has changed. I finally had a meditation last night, and it helped me to adjust to this new life. I decided to write to you in hopes that it will help me get in touch with your energies. I haven't been able to relax or feel comfortable enough to really be in touch with you. Your card and letter really helped. You sound so happy and free, and it made me really feel good.
The meditation helped me to realize that after four years I found myself back in the county jail where it all started. It brought back a lot of memories both good and bad. There are a lot of people in this town that I've known all my life. They are a connection to my old self, and this also caused a lot of trouble. I'm remembered as I used to be, and this is only natural. It's been hard for me to present a new self to them. They expect me to be someone else, and I'm no longer that person.
I've learned something else from this experience, and that is that when I finally do get out for good, I'll have to learn how to deal with new things all the time. I think this is why so many Freedomers lose touch with you when they get out. They get caught up in the outside world. I sure see that the commitments I've made to you and myself have not held up, and I've felt bad about that. I now realize that I let myself get caught up in my problems, and this caused my agreements to become not as important. I now know that if I'd kept my agreements, I wouldn't have gotten so far down. I can see now just how important these agreements are. They can help to control the progress one makes, and they can act as an anchor to our commitments to ourself.
I just wanted to write and let you know what's happening. I'll write more about the Faith chapter soon. Take care and stay happy. It really helps me to see you so happy.
July 30, 1986
Still working on my Faith chapter. It's been a strange experience for me. A person here comes around on Sunday and we discuss a lot of things. My beliefs have been challenged, and I've had to face what I really have faith in, and what I thought I had believed. I'm still working on what I've discovered about my Faith.
The next two letters are written after returning to his Rawlins, (Wy.) cell where he found comfort with his belongings, and friends.
August 17, 1986
I still haven't finished the questions for the Faith chapter, and now I understand why. I was bombarded by all the negative feelings in that jail. I'm not strong enough to deal with all that was surrounding me, and I felt detached from God. It was sort of like building a wall around myself so nothing could get through. Since I got back here where all my energies are stored up in my books and pictures and stuff, I've come to realize what was wrong.
I looked at the questions this evening and the answers were all there. Now I just have to write them down, and get them mailed.
August 25, 1986
The main thing I've been working on is my agreement that I made over two months ago to do a chapter every month. Here I am just finishing the first chapter. I've got a lot to learn about agreements and commitments. They are something new to me, and in a way a little scary. I've never really committed myself to anything of importance before in my life, and I guess it's hard. I've since decided that I will keep the agreement even though I've started off bad. It wouldn't do any good to change the agreement, so I'll have to stick to it for a change instead of making excuses.
I've decided to work at the course with the same attitude as I do my college classes. I won't be taking any classes this fall. I feel your course is more important. It's time for me not to overload myself like I've done the past couple years. The things we have to work and wait for are more important than those we get right away.
You wouldn't believe all the rejection you get in a place like this because of your beliefs. You must always share with me about your feelings because I learn a lot from what you write. Sometimes as I read your letters I uncover something that is buried inside that relates. I really love you for your sharings, and feel good to see you grow. Our sharings are the basis of our relationship. It's based on faith and trust in each other.
***
An assignment in the Home Activities suggests writing out "My Story" to give insights into their motivations. Dan's honest answers about his past helped with his transformation.
My story is a long one, but I will try to simplify it
I was born into a normal family except that both my parents had a drinking problem. I was raised on a farm in Kansas and learned a lot of the down-to-earth attitudes that farmers seem to have. I also was raised around God and the church. My life was fairly normal up until I was four or five when Dad died. This really changed my life. I began to punish myself because I didn't feel any sorrow about his life. My emotions were unknown to me, and I spent the rest of my life that way. In the second grade I started a life of crime. I started shoplifting simply because I didn't want to ask my mom for money. We weren't poor and my mom would have given me almost anything I wanted if I had asked for it, but I felt good stealing and I discovered that it was about the only thing that made me feel good.
We moved to Colorado at this time and I continued my life of crime. I stole whatever I wanted and I wouldn't let anyone into my own little world. I didn't have any true friends and I felt left out because my family consisted of my mom and two sisters and myself. I was surrounded by women and felt that I was left out of everything, so I never learned to deal with the opposite sex.
My mom remarried when I was ten and I learned how to hate. My stepdad wasn't interested in kids; he had already raised some and he didn't care about us at all. My mom and stepdad were always drinking and fighting. I learned that if you love someone you were supposed to hurt them. I turned all the love my family gave me into something else and I tried to hurt them by hurting myself. I'm not the suicidal type so I ran away from my problems with drugs and I did everything I could to get into trouble with the law because that seemed the easiest way to hurt my family.
I ended up in prison at the age of nineteen and since that time I've only been on the outside about nine months. I'm now twenty-seven-years-old and that's about it for my story. I accomplished what I set out to do. I hurt my family, and I hurt myself.
***
Most Freedomers don't discuss their "crimes," but Dan answered my question with the following:
No, I'm not a Wyoming boy, I was born in Kansas and raised in Colorado and Texas. The reason I was in Wyoming is because in 1982 I was on the run from the forgery charge in Texas. I planned to go to Canada, but never made it. I was just doing what I always did, running away. They plan to give me ten years and run it with the time I'm doing in Wyoming, so I can do both sentences at the same time.
The following excerpts show the process Dan went through while answering the questions from the course.
August 7, 1986
I've discovered some new things about myself while working on these questions, but I'm not sure about the answers I've written down.
I think I tried to write the answers that I thought I believed, but I didn't let my heart answer them with what I truly believe. I've got to listen within, and be honest with myself before I'll be ready to really answer the questions.
This realization came as a result of my college program. Some guys in here just want the credits, but I'm more interested in the knowledge. This also applies to agreements. As you said, "It depends on what you want out of an agreement how much you put into it." That's the problem I've been having. It seems I don't have enough faith that I'll get anything out of the agreement with God that I need to make. It's something I'm going to have to deal with.
I just can't commit myself in blind faith. It goes back to my not being able to trust anybody because of all the things that have happened in my life. I have to work this out and simply give it up to God. I thought I'd already dealt with this, but here it is again.
Dan's final answers show his sincerity and honesty.
AGREEMENTS
1. WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO TO BRING ABOUT A TRANSFORMED LIFE?
I have already done a lot, such as taking your first course, "Journey to Freedom," and now the "Pot O' Gold Prosperous Living Course." I am willing to do more. I feel that I have to understand everything about myself to live a transformed life, and I am trying to do that. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, because I know that is how I want to live, and to reach that goal I will do anything God wants me to do.
2. HOW MUCH ARE YOU WILLING TO PUT INTO IT?
I'm willing to put everything I have into it; no matter what it takes.
3. WHAT CHANGES ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE?
I will make whatever changes are necessary and I will probably make some that are not necessary.
4. WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO OBSERVE ABOUT YOURSELF?
I will observe whatever God shows me; even the dark things that are locked-up inside me will be brought into the light.
5. WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO "GIVE UP?"
I will give up everything I have; even myself if that is what it will take for me to live a transformed life. Nothing is more important than reaching that goal.
COMMITMENTS:
1. LIST THE PROJECTS, RELATIONSHIPS, AND OTHER INCOMPLETIONS YOU STARTED AND NEVER FINISHED.
That would take an entire book; enough to say that my whole life is filled with things started and not finished.
2. WHAT CAN YOU DO TO COMPLETE EACH OF THE ABOVE?
Most of these things I will never complete, simply because they don't mean anything anymore. The ones I need to complete I only have to commit myself to their completion, and through determination I can complete them. I've learned that "I" can do anything I want to do no matter what that is. I simply have to want it bad enough and put my entire self into the completion.
3. WHAT GETS IN THE WAY OF YOU KEEPING YOUR COMMITMENTS?
The only thing keeping me from fulfilling a Commitment is myself. I'm the only one that can stop me, and since learning that, I now know that I can do anything.
4. WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR "ESCAPE HATCHES"?
The most used excuse for me not keeping my Commitments is that it doesn't matter, anymore. I just simply turn my back on the Commitment and I hope that sooner or later it will go away.
5. HOW CAN YOU UNLOCK THOSE "ESCAPE HATCHES"?
The way for me to overcome this is to understand that everything matters, no matter how simple a Commitment; and that even the simplest Agreement is as important as the most important Commitment in life.
BELIEFS
1. LIST YOUR PRESENT BELIEFS.
My present beliefs are a mixture of western and eastern religious teachings. I believe in God and Jesus, but I also believe that there is only one God and no matter what the teachings of a certain religion that the purpose of all teachings is to allow us to lead a transformed life. I believe that life is a learning experience and that it may take more than one lifetime for us to reach our goal, yet we can live at the peak of each lifetime if only we allow ourselves to do so.
2. BASED UPON "YOUR STORY," WHO (FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD) IS THE MAIN CONTRIBUTING FACTOR IN YOUR PRESENT BELIEFS?
I feel that the main contributing factor in my present lifetime is myself. There are a lot of people that could have supplied the information I needed, but it was my need for this understanding that led me to these people. Between God and Joyanna I have learned a whole new way of life, and besides myself, they have done the most to change my life.
3. IN WHAT WAY IS THEIR INFLUENCE STILL AFFECTING YOUR BELIEFS? IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU? WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHANGE SOME OF THOSE BELIEFS?
My life is still very much influenced by these beings and I hope that they will always be with me. I don't really know if my beliefs should be changed. I will have to wait and see if they change with the knowledge I will receive in the future.
4. WHO OR WHAT IS THE CONTRIBUTING FACTOR IN YOUR PRESENT BELIEF SYSTEM? CHURCH, PARENT, MATE, PEERS?
The main person in my present belief system is God. I am guided by Joyanna and my inner self as to what path to take, but the information comes from God through many different channels. My present beliefs come from many people trying to show me the true path. But the path I'm on at this time is the one that Joyanna has shown me, and it is the path of love and is the right path for me at this time in my spiritual growth.
5. WHERE AND HOW DID I GET MY BELIEF ABOUT EACH OF THE ITEMS LISTED IN THE TEXT? (See Pepin's answers for the list).
From what I have read about them and from what my inner self says about them. My beliefs have changed about just about all of them in the past couple of years. My old beliefs on these subjects came mostly from my upbringing in a world I didn't understand and now that I better understand the world I live in I have changed my beliefs.
TRUST
1. CAN YOU TRUST LIFE? GOD? MEN? WOMEN? YOURSELF? OTHERS? YOUR PARENTS? WHY? WHY NOT?
I have more trust in myself and others and life in general since I've put my trust in God. I've learned to put my faith in God and let Him rule my life. I had to learn how to trust myself. I did this by learning to love myself. By doing this I was able to put my trust in God, and then learn how to trust others. I know that my inner self will not allow me to hurt myself. God is guiding me and therefore as long as I trust Him I have nothing to fear. I can trust anyone as long as I put my trust in God and let Him control my life.
FAITH
1. WRITE OUT YOUR DEFINITION OF FAITH
Faith to me is a belief in God or anything else. There are many kinds of faith. I feel faith in oneself is the most important of all. For without it there can be no other faith. Blind faith lies in something unprovable. Thus most people feel that faith is impossible, but this is what makes faith possible. As our beliefs are always being challenged, we have to have faith in something just to cope with this crazy world. Faith is also one of the main forces in the universe. We create a reality by having faith in what is all around us. And most important to me is that my faith in love allows the love of God and others to flow through me and control my life. This love is the most important thing to me and without faith I couldn't accept it.
2. DEFINE GOD:
I see God as the entire universe. God is made up of all the things we see as physical; yet God is not physical in the sense we understand it. God is everything, and everything is God. If you look back in time anything people didn't understand they called God. There was the Sun God and the Moon God and the Wind God and so on. We have since learned they are not God, but a part of God. To me God is a label for all things I do not understand. God is also a controlling force in my life because God is also love and all the other forces we experience. God controls our lives in much the same way He controls the plants and animals. We call it nature. But nothing simply happens by chance. There has to be a plan or things would just fall apart. God is, therefore, the combination of forces that rules the universe, and yet I'm not satisfied with that definition. I know that God is beyond my reasoning because I'm limited by this physical plane. I simply must believe in God and leave it at that.
3. IN WHAT WAYS CAN YOU IDENTIFY WITH PETER'S STORY?(These two questions relate to material now in my course"Transformation: a Twelve-Power Process")
I can identify with Peter's denial of his beliefs because of outside pressure. He not only denied he knew Jesus but he also denied himself, and then suffered for it. I have spent most of my life in the same sort of denial. I've denied that God existed even though I was taught differently as a child. I never saw any proof of God or Jesus so I never had faith enough to believe. By living this way I have denied myself a normal life. There was always something missing, and I tried to fill the void with drugs & hate and other feelings that were just as false. I denied myself all the love and happiness that I now find possible. Like Peter I put myself in prison. His prison was a mental one; mine is mental and physical.
4. ARE YOU READY NOW TO AFFIRM GOD, YOURSELF, LIFE? EXPLAIN
I'm now ready to affirm God and life and by doing this affirm myself. I do this by having faith in God because I know He exists and now rules my life. I can have faith in life because I know it will be what God wants and nothing else. I can have faith in myself knowing God is there to guide me and help me. I can now affirm all things in my personal reality because I know that God is there and my reality is filled with love.
HOT TUB
1. HOW DID IT FEEL TO GIVE YOURSELF IN TRUST TO THE WATER?
The Hot Tub Process was a very unusual experience for me. I tried it in two different environments. First, in a place that wasn't conducive to spiritual attitudes, and nothing much happened. I tried to force something to happen, but it never did. When I tried it in the atmosphere that I use for meditating I discovered an entirely new experience. I was able to give myself up entirely to the water and let it support me. I was able to trust in the support and warmth it gave.
2. WHAT WERE YOUR REALIZATIONS AS THE JETS DIRECTED THE WATER-FORCE TOWARD THE SPECIFIC AREAS OF CONSTRICTION- RESTRICTION IN YOUR BODY?
The main thing was the reason nothing happened the first time and place. I learned that I had held back because I was afraid to trust the water to support me. I didn't feel I had any support in my life then. My environment had changed, and I didn't feel I could trust my surroundings. I was holding in things that needed to be released instead of trusting and releasing.
3. WHAT WAS YOUR RESPONSE/REACTION TO THE FAITH AFFIRMATIONS?
Freedom. I stopped worrying about these affirmations. I simply had faith and released these worries and fears.
4. WHAT WAS YOUR RESPONSE/REACTION TO WATCHING ALL OF YOUR CONSIDERATIONS AND NEGATIVITY DRAIN OUT OF THE TUB?
It was wonderful. All of the places that these worries and fears had occupied were now filled with love.
5. WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE TO BE THE "LIGHT OF THE WORLD"?
The Love feeling (mentioned in #4) increased when I felt like the "Light of the world."
SKY-DIVE PROCESS
1. WHAT FEARS, EMOTIONS, BODY SENSATIONS DID YOU FEEL AS YOU STOOD IN THE OPEN DOORWAY OF THE PLANE?
I felt fear of the unknown. I was standing at a crossroad. I knew that I would have to have faith in my parachute and I knew if I stayed in the plane I could go on living the way I have been, and wouldn't have to trust anything but myself.
2. WHAT WERE YOUR CONSIDERATIONS REGARDING THE PARACHUTE?
I considered the parachute as God, and everything I've learned was true to God, and that my parachute could support me to the ground.
3. WHAT WERE YOUR REALIZATIONS REGARDING TRUST, AGREEMENTS, COMMITMENTS, FAITH, BELIEFS?
I knew if my faith slipped I would simply fall, and my spiritualness would be shattered. I learned just how important Faith and these Lessons are to me, and I understood what my life would be like without Faith as a support and foundation for my life.
4. WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER ABOUT YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE, GOALS, AND DESTINATION?
I have to prepare myself for when I can begin my new life on the Outside. My goals will have to be very solid, and I have to have faith that I can reach these goals. My destination is still unknown to me, yet I know in which direction it is, and I have to have Faith that the path I'm taking is the right one so I won't be pushed off the path by obstacles.
5. WHAT ANSWERS DID YOUR INNER PRESENCE GIVE YOU AS TO HOW THIS PROCESS PERTAINED TO YOU REGARDING THIS SESSION?
I have to have all of these things as a foundation for my life because without them I'm like the man that built his house on the sand and everything just crumbled. The man that built his house on the rock of Faith had a firm foundation and his house (life) is still standing.
WRITE DOWN YOUR EXPERIENCES WHILE PREPARING YOUR POSTER:
I allowed my Inner Presence to take control. I've seen this as a sort of exercise to develop a better contact with my Inner Self. This has helped me because it is easier to listen to my Inner Self. I have faith, because by the way the poster turned out I know that my Inner Self won't guide me wrong in something as simple as this, or in life.
WRITE DOWN YOUR EXPERIENCES WHILE COLORING YOUR MANDALA:
(A mandala is used for centering, meditation, or clearing. These are created by Janet Izard, and are used with her permission. The full-size version is featured in "Transformation: a Twelve Power Process").
I allowed my Inner Presence to take control. I've seen this as a sort of exercise to develop a better contact with my Inner Self. This has helped me because it is easier to listen to my Inner Self. I have faith, because by the way the poster and mandala turned out I know that my Inner Self won't guide me wrong in something as simple as this, or in life.
